Thursday, November 13, 2008

Going Long on "Money Honeys"

Warning: This post is NOT politically correct.

If the old saying "as goes GM, so goes the country" has any validity, then we're all up Shit Creek without a paddle. GM just went South of $3 (down 95% over just a year ago) and Henry Paulson has, apparently, completely lost control of the $700 billion "bailout" to the point where nobody, including Paulson, knows how much money has gone where, and to whom.

But in every bear market there's a silver lining. As I sat at my desk watching Yahoo Finance clips, drinking tea, and having my morning cry about the state of my 401(k), I couldn't help but notice the astonishing beauty and smooth, detached, cool, analytical demeanor of the bevvy of gorgeous talking heads telling me I'm completely fucked (in the financial sense). Alexis Glick, Jenna Lee, Rebecca Gomez, and Dagen McDowell of Fox Business News would look just as feng shui in a Cosmo photo spread as they do in their Wall Street / London studios, discussing the cratering economy glibly with "The Godfather of Hedge Fund Lawyers".

Where the hell does Rupert Murdoch find these babes?

The whole "Money Honey" thang started about 5 or 6 years ago with Maria Bartiromo of CNBC, who's not really that beautiful, but is witty, knowledgable, engaging, and a helluva lot easier on the eyes than Jim Kramer. Bartiromo, in fact, has personally trademarked the phrase "money honey". Bartiromo is smart as hell and seems down-to-earth, I could see her doing a sweaty strip-tease on top of a trading terminal to a funk tune after a few too many dirty martinis at the CNBC Christmas party.

Building on the success of Maria, CNBC then hired Sue Herrera, who also looks good on the air but doesn't seem to have the same raw smarts as Bartiromo.

Personal Note: I almost, literally, bumped into Herrera on a crowded walkway at the US Open a few years ago. She smiled at me as we almost did a chest-bump. She's a bottle blonde with a big Jackie-O beehive, a wide flabby ass (too much time in the anchor chair and not enough in the gym), you wouldn't look twice if you saw her on the subway. Pretty, genuine smile, though. Nice teeth. But she should avoid wearing white pants in public.

Recognizing a successful formula, CNBC then upped the ante by hiring the beautiful (and much younger) brunette Erin Burnett, who seems to be every bit as smart and savvy as Bartiromo. Burnett (to her credit) is apparently celebrating her brunette-ness. She's raven-haired and loving it, doesn't even attempt to bleach or streak her raven locks. As a matter of fact, I think Burnett might be going darker, as I initially saw her with a Rene Russo-esque reddish-brown coiff, but these days she seems to have gone almost an Alisa Milano black.

In his typical style, Murdoch is late to the game but he's going big. He hired the above-mentioned FOUR beauties for Fox Business News, each of which is more gorgeous and just as young as CNBC's Burnett. None seems to be quite as smart as Bartiromo or Burnett, and they all show traces (if you listen carefully) of high school giggly speech affectations. But, hey, when you're 26, you've got time to clean that up.


Mike W said...

I am about 10 seconds away from turning everything into cash. The good news is that while in LL for the next 2 weeks, the internet will be so bad that I won't want to check at how bad it is getting. phuck!

T-Rav said...

Skunk, well said! Isn't it nice when you can find comfort in losing huge sums of money.